Sep
2

[img_assist|nid=13|title=|desc=|link=node|align=left|width=94|height=240]The following is a transcript of an interview The Firebrand conducted recently with Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin at a Red Lobster outside of St. Paul, Minnesota. The bombshells concerning her daughter’s unfaithfulness to Jesus and her husband’s drunken vehicle operation had yet to come out, and the candidate was refreshingly candid. She was also stunning in a low-cut black gown recently purchased for her by the McCain for President Campaign Fund at the cost of $25,000.

Firebrand: Wow, what a crazy past few days, Governor Palin.

Sarah Palin: Yes, things have been wonderful.

Firebrand: Now that you are officially the VP nominee, what can we expect to be your main campaign points?

SP: Well, family values are huge for me. I think that this country needs someone who puts that above all else. My family is the most important thing in my life and their well being is number one.

Firebrand: You oldest daughter is stunning, just like her mother. How do you keep her on the right path?

SP: We open ourselves to Jesus. I have told all my children over and over again that by living in Jesus’ light, and by following the bible word for word, we can and will be saved.

Firebrand: Very moving. Your husband is a fisherman by trade. Does he often go out with the boys and tell “the one that got away” stories at local bars in Alaska?

SP: No, we don’t drink. My husband would never do anything to compromise my political career or the integrity of the fish he has caught, and may catch.

Firebrand: Fantastic. Do you mind that I am drinking so heavily right now?

SP: No, I could tell right away that you were a heathen.

Firebrand: Thanks. Waitress, can I get another pitcher of High Life and a Chivas on the rocks? Governor, would you like something to eat?

SP: No, I only eat unleavened bread and drink unsweetened tea. Thank you.

Firebrand: Not a problem. Now, let’s get back to the campaign. Why does John McCain look so terrible on television?

SP: I asked myself the same thing when I met him for the first time the day before he announced me as his VP candidate. I think the TV cameras distort things. I mean, they made me look kind of frumpy at the announcement. You tell me, is this body frumpy? (The Governor stood at this point and did a little twirl for me and I nearly choked on my crab leg. She was certainly easy to look at.)

Firebrand: You are certainly a hot little piece, Governor. Now, is it really true that you only met with McCain once before he announced you as the VP candidate? Were you surprised?

SP: Well, I had heard he was a bit of a maverick, so to speak. I never thought I had a chance in heck to be chosen, even after we met that one time. I mean, McCain didn’t even try to make a pass at me. I was wearing this tight little business skirt, a little too short probably because, you know, I thought I was gonna have to shake my ass a little bit to convince him I was “qualified.” My momma always said, “Honey, God gave them things for you to shake.” Anyway, I spoke to his wife recently and she said McCain hasn’t been able to get it up since the day we invaded Iraq. They’ve got him on like 1000cc of Viagra and still nothing.

Firebrand: Fascinating. How are we voters to feel about a President who can’t get it up?

SP: Well, you don’t have worry about him getting blown by interns. (Laughter)

Firebrand: No, but what about you? (Laughter)

SP: Just keep the Boyscouts away from my office! (Laughter)

Firebrand: But seriously, do you have any qualifications besides a great ass? Are you here just to pander to the disgruntled Hilary supporters?

SP: Lord Jesus no! I mean, I do have a great ass, but that is not the only reason. I have been the Governor of a state for almost 20 months.

Firebrand: Alaska is a state? I thought it was a National Park.

SP: No, it is a real state. And I was Ms. Wasilla 1984. And my husband is a fisherman. And I have a family including one kid with Down Syndrome. We are truly American. We are mavericks!

Firebrand: I wish I knew you in 1984.

SP: Honey, I was hotter than an Eskimo in Death Valley.

Firebrand: But, really, Mrs. Wasilla, are you ready to be President? I mean, John McCain looks like a corpse already. He can’t be long for this world.

SP: Oh, I think that when he kicks the bucket I’ll be ready. I mean, I think he’ll get through at least two years before his heart explodes. That should be time enough for me to learn all I need to know. I mean, it’s not like Obama has much experience. And Biden is just not sexy.

Firebrand: You got me there. But, Biden has 30 years experience as a senator and is an expert in foreign affairs.

SP: I have never had an affair.

Firebrand: Really? Even when your husband is out to sea?

SP: Nope, I love Jesus even more when I’m lonely. Like I tell my daughters, I spread my legs for two men: my husband and Jesus.

Firebrand: Amen.

SP: Now, I have to be going soon. John is a stickler for being on what he calls “military time.” Sometimes he forgets he’s not still in the Navy. A couple of times during our first meeting he started screaming at me in Vietnamese, but I looked the other way. I guess that’s why he has such a large staff.

Firebrand: Thank you for spending time with me. I wish I could spend more time with you. I have a room at the Budgetel. Maybe after the convention you would like to drop by. I think I have some unsweetened Brisk and maybe some bread…

SP: Thanks, but that wouldn’t be prudent. Unless my husband can come?

Firebrand: Sure, why not? I’ve got some whiskey he can get into while we talk. Bring your oldest daughter too. There’s a Gideon bible there that she’ll find very attractive.

SP: Well, we’ll have to see how the convention goes. Does sound fun, though.

Firebrand: Shit yeah. Just because I’m a liberal and you’re a conservative doesn’t mean we can’t rock and roll.

SP: I like your style.

Firebrand: By the way, have you heard of Thomas Eagleton?

SP: I think so. He was a Founding Father right?

Thomas Eagleton was the vice-presidential choice of George McGovern during the campaign of 1972. After making the choice, a story broke that Eagleton was an alcoholic who had undergone shock treatments for various mental issues. McGovern dropped him from the campaign after the story broke, but the damage was done and Nixon won 49 of 50 states in the 1972 general election.

Firebrand: Yeah, he was the one who insisted they put “one nation under God” in the pledge.

SP: God Bless that man.

In an interview Sarah Palin once was asked about the “one nation under God” part of the pledge of allegiance, which was added in the 1950s. She stated that “if it was good enough for the Founding Fathers, it’s good enough for me.”

End Transcript