Jul
17

[img_assist|nid=2|desc=|link=node|align=right|width=182|height=240]Today I heard a story on the local public radio station about a Colorado woman who is being sued by her local homeowner’s association because she had the audacity to want to save energy by hanging her laundry outside to dry. It seems that there is an ordinance that had been voted into affect by the majority of pre-fab home owners in her development stating that hanging clothes out to dry is unseemly and not allowed. The chairman of the association was quoted as saying something to the effect of: “Hanging clothes outside your home is hideous and wrong and makes a person look…well, poor. And if you’re poor you deserve to be and you are probably a lazy minority and minorities are NOT allowed in this gated community. People have made a large investment in these huge homes and I will be God Damned if I will see someone’s clothing hanging in their own back yard.”

Although my quote may be slightly off, this story is true. The woman had read somewhere about how eliminating the use of an electric clothes dryer saves a huge amount of electricity and energy. She wanted to do something for the environment and maybe save her family a few bucks. In fact, she decided to get a few of the other soccer moms to do the same. It was going to be a regular whites-only Republicans For The Environment quasi-movement. This woman had figured it out. Continual rape and desecration of resources is NOT good for the environment or for her brood of children. So, she wanted to take a small step towards righting things.

That was until the neighbors began to complain about the fact that her clothes were hanging on a line in her backyard. “I’ve seen stuff like this on TV,” said a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous, “but I never thought I’d see it here in Rolling Pine Brooks. I mean, on Sanford and Son they have things hanging next to their house.” Another neighbor, the local Chief of Police, stated that; “When I first came home I was shocked. I mean, I was seconds away from drawing my sidearm and firing at their house. I deal with this kind of bad craziness everyday at work. I certainly don’t need to see it when I come home. What’s next, people start thinking that they don’t have to have a riding gas-powered lawn mower to keep their 1/18 of an acre yard at exactly _ of a an inch? Damn liberals ruining this country….”

One young housewife was barely audible in her response, due to the fact that she was under such heavy sedation. “Oh, I see,” she said, “now I have to worry about the fact that my little Timmy can be playing alone in our in-ground pool while I’m taking a nap and next door there is a crazy woman hanging her UNMENTIONABLES all across her back yard? What if Timmy sees her (whisper) bra and panties? What if he starts wondering what those things are? I don’t send him to an all-white, all-boy Catholic school so that he can look next door and see a dirty woman’s clean underwear strung up as far as the eye can see. I mean first he sees the bra and then he starts wondering what goes in the bra. Then he starts noticing girls. I want little Timmy to learn about sexual relationships the way the Bible meant it to be taught: by completely celibate Catholic male priests. How else is he going to learn the cleansing power of guilt?”

If we, as a culture, had our priorities straight and could come to terms with the fact that mankind is ruining this planet, that humans are literally defecating where they sleep, and that American’s are the worst self-abusers on earth, then drying one’s laundry outside would not only be encouraged, but legally required. In fact, those who used a dryer when they could use a clothesline would be fined terribly. Of course I realize that in a society where one is culturally obligated to pick up one’s dog’s poop (which would biodegrade in a matter of days and serve to replenish the nutrients in grass) with a plastic bag (which will take thousands of years to biodegrade) there can be little hope for clear thinking about the environmental ramifications of our daily actions. The water is getting warmer, folks, and we, like a frog in a pot, are simply not getting it quick enough.